Could You Defeat and Survive the Tesla and Twitter Billionaire?

To quote tech billionaire and social media tycoon Elon Musk, “There is a large graveyard filled with my enemies. I do not wish to add to it, but will if given no choice. Those who pick fights with me do so at their own peril, but maybe this is their lucky day.” Yes, he did actually tweet that. What would you do if today was your turn to test your luck against the richest man in the world? How could you hope to stand against a man who has studied the blade, mastered the blockchain, and amassed more personal wealth than most developing nations? Could you - as an average American citizen - overcome the master of memes, the titan of Twitter, and - in his wildest dreams - the future overlord of Mars? Whatever you might have to say about him, it cannot be denied that his net worth is much bigger than yours. Specifically, Elon has a net worth of between $222 and $244 billion dollars - compared to the median American household net worth, which is, as of last year, around $192,900.

An American earning an average yearly wage of $69,392 per annum would need to save for just over three million years to ever see Musk money. Let that sink in as we find out if you have what it takes to avoid a trip to Elon Musk’s enemy graveyard. In terms of base stats, Elon Musk is over six feet tall and nearly two hundred pounds. When he was boasting about his potential MMA match with the CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerburg, Elon went as far as to say that he was three hundred pounds, which, if true would make his molecular structure about one third denser than the average human being. The average American is at least two inches shorter than Musk, which would give the wealthy mogul a not negligible reach advantage. In a contest of martial arts, this could give Elon Musk a formidable leg up, especially if his own statements on his training are to be believed. During one of his conversations with podcaster and former MMA fighter Joe Rogan, Elon Musk claimed to have been a student of multiple disciples, including Brazilian jiu-jitsu, karate, taekwondo, and judo.

There are no medals or public records that verify Elon Musk’s proficiency in any of these ancient arts, meaning that his potential level of mastery of all of them could truly be infinite. His MMA record of 0 wins and 0 losses speaks for itself - showing that no one has been able to face Elon Musk and win but also that the billionaire has never lowered himself to step into the ring with an unworthy adversary. His history as a fighter is perfectly balanced, as all things should be. But like all of the greatest fighters in history, what happens in the octagon is only a fraction of what Elon Musk is capable of. Throughout his upbringing on the mean streets of South Africa, the richest man in the world also dabbled in what he called ‘no rules street fighting’, which, to the best of our knowledge, didn’t include any more hadokens or spinning bird kicks than ordinary street fighting, but to rule anything out would be in direct contradiction of the concept of no rules.

In his appearance on the Full Send Podcast with the Nelk Boys, Elon Musk gave his insight on the kind of techniques available to anyone who eschews the rules of the ring in favor of raw, barred street fighting. “If you want to take someone out, punch them in the throat. It’s game over.” said Elon. “Poke them in the eye or knock their kneecap off.” Elon Musk may know the power of some of these moves from experience, as he was once beaten up so badly by his peers that he was sent to the hospital for an entire week of his childhood. But you don’t get to be the richest man in the world without getting knocked down and getting up again - and perhaps also having a metric gigaton of generational wealth from an early age. When he was sixteen, Elon Musk knocked out another teenager who tried to bully him with a single punch.

The source for that anime-esque anecdote was none other than Elon Musk himself, which single-handedly confirms that his record of real-life knockouts is one hundred percent higher than the number stated by his MMA record. If that isn’t an endorsement of Musk’s street-fighting prowess, what could possibly be? Just to be safe, it’s recommended that you research the basics of every martial art that Musk is purported to have trained in. That way, you’ll at least be prepared when he aims to execute a tiger claw strike from Karate, a crescent kick from Taekwondo, a tomoe nage (or “circle throw”) from Judo, or even the dreaded flying triangle choke from Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu. Then, once you have demonstrated some knowledge of each of these disciplines, throw out everything you know in preparation for Elon Musk to flout all conventions and utilize his no-rules street fighting.

Much like another - albeit fictional - eccentric tech magnate once said, “Screw the rules, I have money!” Back to Joe Rogan for a moment, there is one more potentially deadly edge that Elon Musk may have the ability to acquire from his podcasting associate. That edge being the folded steel blade of Joe Rogan’s half-a-century-old samurai sword, which has also been wielded by self-help guru and formerly tenured professor Jordan B. Peterson. Unlike Peterson, Elon Musk is no reserved and civilized academic and could very well handle Joe’s katana with the wild fury of Musashi Miyamoto himself. As with his background in the martial arts, there is no telling what Elon Musk is capable of with that razor-sharp ancestral sword in his hand - and really, why would you want to find out?

Unless, of course, you are also a scholar of the blade. If one of your relatives was a veteran of the Pacific Theater in World War II, there is a distinct chance that one of the thousands of katanas still in circulation in the American market was turned over to your family during the occupation. Be sure to check to ensure that you’ve inherited the weapon before you accept any duels, whether they are with billionaire social media celebrities or otherwise. Of course, up to this point, we have only covered the small arms that Elon Musk has at his disposal. Certainly, a man that has often been called “the real-life Tony Stark '' and even appeared alongside Robert Downey Jr. in the 2010 Marvel superhero movie Iron Man 2 - must be holding onto some serious cutting-edge firepower.

If Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos can manipulate Dock Ock-style tactile mecha-arms, the Chief Twit wouldn’t dream of going without a cybernetic equivalent. Sure enough, Elon’s SpaceX facilities do utilize a piece of high-tech equipment that seems to have leaped right out of the comic books. With only a series of hand gestures, Musk or one of his employees can design and build rocket parts in a seamless 3D printer that completely flips the way that most of us interact with computers. Even though its intended use is to construct rather than destruct, you - as Elon Musk’s number one enemy - wouldn’t want to be inside the futuristic workspace when Musk decides to bring out his jazz hands to laser you into the shape of a space shuttle widget. In the interest of clarity, we are suggesting that if Elon Musk challenged you to a fight, you’d want to stay as far away as possible from any of the facilities that he owns around the world. It would be courting death to attempt to beat Elon Musk at his own game, let alone on his home territory. Seriously, don’t even think about it.

Even some of his own employees haven’t made it out of those factories unscathed, though their injuries were due to toxic fumes and accidents on the assembly line rather than Elon Musk laying the smackdown on them in a round of fisticuffs. The far better strategy would be to allow Elon Musk to bring his technology to you, because when it comes to the world outside of Tesla and SpaceX headquarters, the performance of Musk’s tech is subject to the chaotic whims of reality. Though chaos is not what you want to occur if the world’s most enthusiastic user of the letter X chooses a Tesla cyber truck as his battle chariot, these heavy electric cars are lined with corners sharper than Elon’s infamous memeing wit and could be considered equally dangerous with or without the CEO of Tesla behind the wheel.

If the cybertruck’s predecessor - the Tesla Model 3 - is any indication, the self-driving function of this sci-fi super vehicle could spontaneously turn it into a speeding metal torpedo capable of obliterating anyone in its path. With the right amount of preparation, Elon could remotely activate several Tesla vehicles at once - creating an armada of decoys like a ground-level Iron Man with a comparable price tag to an MCU summer blockbuster. Fortunately for you, the cybertruck has one glaring weakness that you can exploit in order to know whether you are dealing with unmanned vehicles or the real Musk. That weakness is, of course, the woefully non-indestructible windows of the cybertruck, which can consistently be shattered by chucking any fist-size solid object towards them with moderate force.

While Musk refuses to have any of his companies engineer weapons of war, he has - according to his own words - “an arsenal of weapons,” many of which were purchased in the United States thanks to the looser restrictions on gun laws. And we’re not talking about the authentic recreation of George Washington’s flintlock pistol or the defictionalized replica of the Diamondback .357 Revolver from the Deus Ex video game series - both of which Musk has been known to keep on his bedside table along with a Tibetan Buddhist Vajra: that for your sake we hope does not grant its owner the ability to call down the destructive lightning bolt of the god Indra. To reiterate that latter bit, the vajra is a mythological object that possesses a hardness greater than diamond and can launch attacks with the irresistible force of energy.

It’s an important symbol in a number of different religions and is believed to be one of the strongest weapons in the entire universe. As an example of its conceptual power: the chief god of Hinduism, Lord Indra, famously used the vajra to defeat the primordial serpent vritra - an embodiment of drought and lifelessness. The vajra is an implement for gods and enlightened souls, and if Elon Musk was able to use it to its full potential, your best bet would be to start praying rather than trying to resist. From what we know, both the George Washington flintlock and the Diamondback .357 revolver are non-firing guns in their construction. Therefore, it stands to reason that the vajra that Musk keeps is also simply an impotent imitation rather than the real deal. Outside of those three artifacts of power, the Tesla CEO’s actual collection of weapons notably includes a 50 caliber rifle, which Elon has been filmed shooting from the hip in mid-stride.

Experts might say that using a sniper rifle in this way defeats the gun’s main purpose, but another group of experts would probably tell the first group that the bullets are deadly all the same. Trust us - you don’t want to be in the spray zone when Elon Musk pulls the 50 caliber rifle out of his arsenal. Thankfully, as a citizen of North America - whatever gun laws apply to Elon Musk within the country will also apply to you. This means that if you fight the billionaire in a state where you can purchase assault weapons, you will have a fair shot at matching your rifle-toting opponent in firepower. Well, as fair a shot as would be possible in this economy. You’re not going to have anywhere near Musk’s spending power, so maybe disregard this advice entirely and simply make sure that the battle between you two is not a gunfight.

Of course, being the prideful man that he is, Elon Musk is more likely to show off his own tech than someone else’s. For this reason, you ought to watch out for one of his early claims to fame - the Boring Company flamethrower - or “not a” flamethrower as it is sometimes called. Branded as the “world’s safest flamethrower,” - if one of these bad boys was pointed at you, the result would be anything but safety. Elon Musk can’t seem to help showing off these flame-flinging gizmos, even selling thousands of them to the state of California after it had recently suffered around a billion dollars worth of damage from wildfires. While this daring business venture was, at least according to one state assemblyman, “incredibly insensitive, dangerous, and most definitely not funny,” Elon Musk had the last laugh to the tune of millions of dollars in sales.

The literal Boring CEO also denied claims that he was engineering a zombie apocalypse in order to drive up the demand for the flamethrowers in the near future. It’s hard to imagine which is scarier - what a fire gun capable of defeating hordes of zombies could do to you or the idea that Elon Musk is holding back his already developing zombie-creating technology. Right now, you’re probably feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of the fight that awaits you. You may be willing to use all the cards you’ve been dealt to the best of your ability, but Elon Musk was playing with a different deck from the start.

And no, we don’t mean that it’s filled with three copies of the Blue Eyes White Dragon, but between his martial arts, inventions, guns, and the ever-lingering possibility of phenomenal cosmic powers - Elon Musk might as well be boasting the five pieces of Exodia the Forbidden One in the hand life dealt him. And yes, that is the only other Seto Kaiba reference we’re allowed to make. Like we were saying before, it’s possible you’re losing hope, but do not fret. There is one man who holds the answers to achieving victory over the insurmountable mountain of genius and skill that is Elon Musk.

You are already familiar with his name: Mark Zuckerburg - a distinguished man for many reasons, including his love of smoked meats, having been portrayed by Jesse Eisenberg on the silver screen, and for winning a gold and silver medal in a Brazilian Jiu Jutsu tournament. But his most distinguishing accolade by far is the fact that Elon Musk challenged Mark Zuckerburg to a cage match and - for reasons that remain mysterious to this day - backed out before the day of the fight could come to pass. You must keep in mind that this is not an insignificant event that came about due to an online squabble between the owners of two of the largest social media platforms: it is instead the key to your nascent victory against your fated foe.

To put it in simple terms - If you want to defeat Elon Musk in a fight, you must seek out Mark Zuckerburg and learn his warrior ways. Somewhere behind that copiously sunscreened face lies the only mind in the world with the martial knowledge to utterly dismantle Elon Musk move by move. If you are able to grasp even a modicum of Mark Zuckerberg’s secret techniques, then you will no longer be an average American citizen. You will be a giant among giants, with the spirit of a winner inside. Your training begins now!