Barbie, the Movie of the Year!

The plastic princess is a feminine phenom and her movie has the power to change the world. Little girls will watch in awe and wonder; little boys will cry, for this movie, this story is the moment where toxic masculinity died a thousand deaths. It’s time to wake up to a new land. Not a man’s land, but a woman’s land: Barbie Land. Here is the full story of how the blonde-haired, blue-eyed feminist fashion doll has brought an end to the rule of men.

Before Barbie, little girls played with little baby dolls. No woman should ever have to suffer the ignominy of being called a mother. Arise a new doll, a new toy, a new way for girls to think. Out goes the babies, in comes the Barbies. At first, she looked like a white man’s wet dream, but over time, she dried herself off to become a doctor, a pilot, a CEO. In the history of women’s rights, Barbie was a true suffragette. Barbie Land is a magical multicultural matriarchy. A plastic paradise. All the Barbies have all the power, all the property and all the jobs. It’s a utopia because women rule the land. Every conceivable Barbie is here. Wheelchair Barbie, body positive Barbie, even the pregnant Barbie.

Barbie Land ticks more boxes than a new Snow-White production. The only box left unchecked: there’s no non-binary Barbie or transgender Barbie. Perhaps saved for Barbie 2. Margot Robbie’s Stereotypical Barbie has a beach day and there we meet the Kens. Like the barbies, more diverse than a trip to Mos Eisley, but sadly, still all men and shallower than a puddle. The Kens are content with life: no power, no privilege, just endless beach days while the Barbies do real woman’s work.

Ryan Gosling is Beach Ken. He has a six pack and, as the leading white male Ken, one brain cell. Upon introduction he tries to show off his surfing skills and is immediately washed away in humiliation. In Barbie Land, everyone’s a winner except white male Ken and white male Michael Cera playing lonely loser Allan. Every night in Barbie Land is woman’s night. On the dancefloor, the Barbies bust their moves and the Kens bust their balls trying to impress them. During an epic dance off, the music stops and Barbie barks. The Barbies, the Kens, the Allan are shocked. Stereotypical Barbie should not be breaking the mold with existential dread.

The other Barbies establish she is breaking down. The next day she is bipolar Barbie, deep in depression Barbie, menopausal Barbie. There’s only one solution: a trip to see Weird Barbie, who was a normal Barbie until she became a Ghostbuster. Witch doctor Barbie moves like Linda Blair in The Exorcist and she knows how to exercise blondie Barbie’s demons: she must find her owner in the real world or she too will become annoying. Barbie doesn’t want to go until she discovers she has cellulite and off she goes on her Wizard of ‘What?’ adventure. Instead of Tin Man, she brings plastic white man: Forrest Gump Ken. They leave the Barbie Matrix behind and enter the desert of the real.

Barbie and Ken arrive in Los Angeles on rollerblades in neon spandex. They are the center of attention. Ken loves it: the village idiot feels like a member of the Village People. Macho man feels love and admiration because he’s a man. Barbie feels the intense glare of the male gaze. Toxic masculine males are ogling her body and throwing in ‘hey babies’. Disgusting misogyny. She says their stares are not only the most attractive, but tinged with violence. They escape the spotlight to ask some construction workers for directions. Big mistake.

The builders are big manly brutes who don’t care about Barbie’s brains, but her body in the bedroom. Every step in the real world is another step in a puddle of toxic masculinity. Barbie and Ken escape the neon glow by stealing clothes from a nearby store. They are arrested a couple of times, but each time let off because the policemen love seeing Barbie in beautiful new outfits. Eventually, Barbie finds her owner at a school, teenage girl Sasha. Expecting a womanly welcome and a pat on the back for doing so much for women’s rights, Barbie’s heart breaks when Sasha goes on the attack. Barbie is no icon for women: she’s an object for men.

An image of beauty and femininity that no real woman can live up to. Meanwhile, Ken looks as stunned as Alice in Wonderland. Ken is in the man’s land. The real world is a man’s world. Men have all the power, all the perks, all the privilege. Success is granted by virtue of being born male and Ken loves it. He asks a businessman about male privilege and he’s told being male actually works against him. Not really, the businessman confesses, men are just better at hiding their privilege now. At Barbie’s school, Ken steals books from the library. All the books are about the patriarchy. What is he up to? At Mattel headquarters, the boardroom panics over Barbie's arrival in reality. If Barbie goes off the rails, it will destroy their brand and their patriarchy.

The management is all male and mostly white. Funnyman Will Farrell is the CEO: he orders his team to track Barbie down and send her kicking and screaming back to Barbie Land. Outside the boardroom doors, a woman overhears the shocking plot and can’t believe Barbie is actually real. Ken rushes off from the real world to Barbie Land and, at the school, Barbie is apprehended by men and thrown in the back of a car. In another car nearby, it is revealed the Mattel woman is Sasha’s mom. Barbie’s owner was not Sasha, but Gloria. In the midst of a midlife crisis, Gloria played with her stereotypical Barbie doll and all her womanly worries were melted into Barbie. It’s also revealed Sasha’s father is a white male absentee dad loser.

Mother and daughter follow Barbie’s car to Mattel. In the boardroom, the Mattel males encourage Barbie to get back in her box. A literal Barbie boxes. They talk to her like she is five years old because that’s how men in high positions speak to women. She gets in the box and then runs for her little plastic life. She is chased by the bumbling white male executives through the building, but escapes into an old room with an old lady. The old lady tells her to run through a magic door and she finds herself at the front of Mattel headquarters.

Gloria and Sasha save the day by driving Barbie away. With Mattel hot on their tails, there’s only one place they can go. Barbie Land it is. Like a scene from Planet of the Apes, that one, Barbie Land has changed. The world of women is now the Planet of the Patriarchy. One day in the real world and a few books from the library were all it takes for Ken to smash *cough* slap the matriarchy and overthrow the women. The Barbies are no longer strong and independent, they are brainless bimbos bringing the Kens beers. All of their jobs… what jobs? Women belong at home, in the kitchen, but now they don’t even have homes or kitchens. The Kens own everything. The Barbies are housewives and house girlfriends: a fate that should befall no woman in the 21st Century.

When Barbie, Sasha and Gloria arrive, they are shocked and appalled by the plastic Ken patriarchy. Barbie asks for her house back, her old way of life back, but Ken says it’s over: Barbie Land is now a world of men. Get used to it, Barbs. Barbie loses her makeup and her mind… but not for long. She meets up with crazy Kate Barbie and hatches a plan to smash the Kyriarchy. The Barbies will use their own toxic masculine traits against them. All men, all Kens, are petty, jealous and violent. It’s time to turn Ken against Ken. The Barbies flirt with the Kens, go on dates and then they all meet up for a romantic lay on the beach around a fire with guitars.

While the Kens are strumming romantic melodies and singing sweet songs to their Barbies, the Barbies suddenly stand up, switch seats and flirt with different Kens. Enraged by other Kens sweet talking their Barbies, they splinter into two Ken armies and go to war. Men’s answer to every problem. As the fight rages on, the Barbies sneakily take back Barbie Land. They redecorate their houses, retake their jobs and reclaim the senate. Eventually the Kens wake up and notice the coup d'etat, but it’s too late. The matriarchy is back. Dumb and dumber Ken pleads with Stereotypical Barbie and she agrees that not every night has to be woman’s night. He gets down on one knee and confesses his love. Barbie and Ken. They are made to be together.

The Romeo and Juliet of the plastic world. Not this time… Barbie says she has no feelings for him and he should get used to being alone. Sorry Ken, this is a new world, not a man’s world or even a traditional doll’s world. The other Kens ask Madam President for positions in the all-woman senate. Permission denied. She says they can only have lower-level positions, just like women in the real senate. Barbie Land will stay a matriarchy until the real world is no longer a patriarchy. Out of nowhere, the old lady from Mattel headquarters arrives on the scene. Surprise, she’s not just any old lady, but the old lady. Ruth Handler: Barbie’s inventor. She offers Barbie a Pinocchio way out: stay a doll or become a real woman. Suffice to say, the plastic melts away and Barbie is back in the real world with Sasha and Gloria. What is her first act as a real woman in the real world?

 A real appointment with a real gynecologist for her real lady parts. Wendy, Ariel and Phoebe, your light shines bright, but no longer the brightest. Barbie is the new torchbearer for lighting the flames of femininity and smashing the patriarchy. From start to finish, Barbie is a masterclass in making a modern movie that will change the world. Little boys, little girls and little non-binaries, your future is safe thanks to Greta Gerwig, Barbie and Warner Brothers. All hail the plastic queen of the silver screen, Barbie. The movie of the year.