8 Compliments You Seriously Need to Stop Giving to Your Kids

As parents, we’re well aware of the power of compliments. Whether it’s our children, colleagues, or even a friend who has just complimented us, we tend to be overjoyed when someone gives us a good word. But when it comes to giving compliments to your kids, you may need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. A recent study has shown that the more compliments a child receive, the more likely they are to develop negative emotions such as jealousy and resentment. The study showed that children who are consistently told they are pretty, talented, smart, or handsome by their parents are less happy and satisfied with their lives. The researchers even went so far as to say that the practice of regularly giving positive feedback to your children may have a negative impact on their well-being. Now, we’re not saying you shouldn’t ever compliment your kids. What we are saying is that, regularly, you should be careful about how you give your children compliments.

. 1. You're so smart! In the past, parents were strict and prevented from rewarding their children but today's parents may be overcompensating. According to experts on child development, the goal of praising children is to inspire positive behavior. However, simply having the status of being "smart" isn't behavior and children don't see the behavior as one they can influence. Thus, praising them for their intelligence "is not helpful because kids--and adults--usually think that being smart is innate and fixed," claims Christia Spears Brown PhD, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky. "They think you are born with a certain amount of 'smartness,' and if schoolwork comes easily, then you are smart, and if schoolwork is difficult, then you are not smart." If they fail or struggle and fail, they'll find it to be more frustrating and difficult to overcome. However, research has shown that parents' praise for children's working hard, instead of focusing on their capabilities can help build their endurance. "Saying things like 'I am so proud of how hard you worked on your math,' or 'I am proud of how hard you studied for the spelling' tells a child that success is due to effort," Dr. Brown says. "Then when they encounter a problem and have to overcome it, they are more likely to put in the effort to succeed than quit because they aren't smart enough. '"

2. I'm so proud you got an A! Of course, parents are going to be thrilled when their child earns a high grade, but the growth that is worthy of praise, not only the end outcome. "Research shows that people are happier when they have a 'growth' mindset rather than a 'fixed' mindset," says Laura Markham, PhD, the author of Peaceful Parent and Happy Kids How to Stop yelling and Begin Connecting. Studies conducted at Stanford found that children with the mindset of growth had better results in their academic performance and study skills because they believed that they could become better if they focused on it. "We want to encourage children in ways that will help them develop a growth mindset, which will help them become more resilient and able to work hard to accomplish their goals in life," Dr. Markham says. An alternative way to reward children is to demonstrate the process that resulted in their success. "Encouraging them with work-in-progress praise--'You are getting the hang of that piece now after all that practice'--can give them a real sense that they are making strides towards becoming more proficient," claim Paul J. Donahue, PhD, director of the foundation and Child Development Associates and the author of Parenting Without Fear. "Likewise those children who do not enjoy reading, but who struggled to master the first chapter book must receive a resounding message of encouragement like 'You've done your best to focus and pronounce all the words and then to finish the book. '" Getting such compliments can make the child more likely to do the same thing again.

3. Your artwork is so beautiful! This is a different one to consider. You might believe that their work is gorgeous; however, by rewarding children in this manner, you're inducing them to look beyond their own eyes to see if they're worthy of praise. "It teaches the child that his work can always be evaluated by others, which undermines his confidence," Dr. Markham says. "It is also teaching that he can create ever more artworks using less and less effort as the parent constantly says, "That's gorgeous! '" In a study released in Sage Journals, kids with low self-esteem, who were constantly praised for their work, typically chose to draw a simple sketch rather than a difficult one, as it was the safest option. To avoid discouraging children to be more enthusiastic, praise how committed they were to their work or provide details regarding the drawing ("I noticed that you employed texture to illustrate the ocean's waves") Then ask them what they think of their artwork. Your approval isn't what is important, it's their own. Your job is to help kids develop a curiosity about the things they're doing. "Why not focus on the effort, and what the child did or felt, rather than evaluating the product?" Dr. Markham says.

4. You're a good girl or You're a good boy! A child's praise because they are "good" places an inherent worth on them, and not on their behavior, which is why they think that they are one of two things "good" or "bad." What's wrong when you're good? "Every child knows they aren't always 'good' and that they have thoughts and feelings you wouldn't like," Dr. Markham says. "So, if you tell them they're good, they need to show you otherwise by acting badly--or they become heavily invested in keeping you fooled, and they feel like they have to hide their true selves and be perfect, which is even worse." Always be sure to refer to the actions of the child, instead of judging the child's actions, she advises.

5. You're so pretty! We might notice girls' appearance and hair more often than we do boys' therefore it is natural to be able to compliment them. But this is a sign of our personal gender bias. "The problem lies in the messages that girls receive from every front," Dr. Brown says. "Girls are growing up in a culture where their value is constantly linked to their appearance, so the collective message that girls internalize is that they must be attractive to have worth." A study conducted by Girlguiding in 2016 found that girls are pressured to look attractive by the age of time they reach elementary school. The notion of being attractive is also viewed as something that cannot be controllable. So, if a girl thinks that she's not attractive, she might feel that she's not loved and there's no way to change it. She could also put in much of her time trying to appear attractive instead of focusing on more important abilities and passions. "In general, there is no reason to evaluate how a child looks--and every reason not to," Dr. Markham says.

6. Great job! The majority of parents say this 100 times in a day with no judgment, but this isn't a good way to encourage children. "This creates a praise junkie who needs constant reassurance," Dr. Markham says. "The child learns to do the task for the praise, and stops finding the inherent reward in the task, which steals the child's motivation." We all love our children and wish for them to feel happy in themselves, but giving them the constant praise, they receive for everything they do causes the praise to become meaningless. A recent Ohio State study showed that constant praise encouraged narcissism, not self-esteem. Additionally, since the wording isn't specific, "great job" gives the child no details about what the work was about to be great. However, Dr. Brown has an idea of how to turn the situation around. "Saying positive things to our children is always positive, but it doesn't necessarily have to be praise," she suggests. "For instance, instead of saying a good job for setting the table, parents could modify it to "Thank you for helping.

7. You're the best! If they're not the most effective when it comes to something (which isn't likely) telling children that they are may set a precedent of success which they'll attempt to maintain. "Offering too much absolute praise can put a lot of pressure on kids to feel that they always have to be the best at what they do, a standard that can be unbearably high," Dr. Donahue claims. It can cause feelings of being inadequate when a child believes it's impossible to live up to the standard, as per research conducted by researchers from Reed College and Stanford University. "It can also backfire, and teach children to limit their focus to activities at which they know they can excel," Dr. Donahue said. It can cause children to not be able to focus on exploring new ideas or putting in the effort when things get difficult so that they can keep them "fooled," says Dr. Markham. Making realistic, achievable standards and then praising your personal record rather than comparing it with others is a more effective approach.

8. A compliment that’s not sincere. "Children can easily recognize when we are disappointed in them, or when our praise is faint, insincere, or worse, sarcastic," Dr. Donahue explains. "One of the most important things children desires is for their parents to be genuine with them in their affection, in their support, and their constructive criticism." For instance, when your child sings badly off-key during the show of talent, you could declare, "I am proud of how brave you were to get up in front of everyone--and you remembered all the words!" A recent study of South Korea showed that children's perceptions of being over-praised (as under-praising) resulted in lower school performance and higher levels of depression as compared to praise that was based on reality. "The goal is to make the praise meaningful, and show children what traits and attributes we value, such as hard work, being helpful, and being kind," Dr. Brown says. "Parents shouldn't think of praise as a method to boost self-esteem because it's not. Instead, praise could be a means of promoting the traits we wish to instill within our children to aid them in becoming competent adulthood."